What Am I Avoiding Right Now?

And can I be present with myself in those moments of distraction?

Grafitti in Tel Aviv

What am I putting off right now?

1. writing this post.
2. folding the laundry
3. packing
4. getting ready to leave here
5. getting ready to go there
6. getting ready for tomorrow
7. getting ready for sleep
8. brushing my teeth

Things I’m trying right now:

1. not pausing the timer
2. not checking my email
3. not checking my bank statement
4. not snacking
5. not getting just one more handful of almonds
6. not eating almonds and cashews and chocolate in bursts
7. not consuming
8. not distracting

What am I avoiding?

• Feelings. Anxiety. Fear. Shame (generalized) guilt (unspecified) and responsibility (avoided).
• Anxiety about things changing. Anxiety about packing and forgetting things and where am I going next and what will it be like and will I be able to sleep there?

What am I resisting?

• Writing. Showing up, doing the work, even if it isn’t work yet.
• Packing. Organizing belongings, planning for the next day.
• Change. Transition. Getting things ready to leave, leaving this space, living between spaces. Feeling unsettled.

What am I distracting with?

• Food. Sugar and salt and then again, easy mindless consumption and compulsions.
• Judgment and self shaming. The distraction of self criticism.
• More snacks. Sugar and salt simultaneously, so briefly satisfying before the false hunger cries out again for attention.
• Repetitive thoughts of what I should do , need to do, should and need and need and should and why I’m not doing it the ‘right’ way now

How I feel when I distract myself:

• anxious
• stuck in a trance, in a pattern, in a self-made trap
• impulsive, addicted.
• ashamed. judgmental.
• avoidant. resistant
• needy. wanting

How I’m learning to be present with myself in those moments:

• I give myself permission to do what I am doing in the moment, without judgment.
• I offer myself compassion. It’s not easy to feel stuck in something you want to change.
• I offer compassion to people in similar situations. I feel empathy.
• I recognize the part of me that needs or craves x right now
• I forgive.

& thats 25 minutes